Mood: solemn
listenning to: Andrea Bocelli "time to say goodbye" and another song with Eros Ramazotti I live in Ntinda somewhere off the new Kyambogo Road, a place called kinyarwanda Zone. perhaps thats explains all the Luganda tainted with a western accent. I take the same route to work every morning, the new Kyambogo road just so I can avoid the moring traffic at the trading centre. And every morning I see this gal in uniform walking down that road towards Kyambogo. She must be about twelve and the first time I saw her, I thought she looked so happy trotting down the hill.Perhaps she had a nice dream, or maybe she is looking forward to seeing her friends at school that she cant contain herself. The next morning, I saw her again and she looked just as happy, I smiled to myself thinking good for her. But then I noticed something was kinda odd about this gal, she was definately autistic. suddenly my face fell just a little and there it was, that look of pity. I hated myself for the sinking feeling in my heart. But why should I feel pity for this gal, I have never seen such genuine happiness in my life. Then i realised I was slightly envious, and wondered what it felt like to have no cares in this world. This gal doesnt deserve my pity and I too felt happier than I have been in a long time. My twin brother passed on last year from complications brought on by acute celebral palsy. A huge part of me died inside but I masked it well ( kinda reminds me of the song "tears of a clown" by Smokie Robinson). I was sad not so much because he passed on but because I thought he had spent his 25 years in total limbo and misery. He seemed happy most of the time but my doubts and anger at God often clouded my vision his happiness. He loved me unconditionally and hated it when I was sad or when someone scolded me. I got away with alot because of this. I must forgive me, for the times I looked at him with sadness somehow wanting more for him.
I must forgive me for the glimpse of anger he often caught in my eyes.
I must forgive me for not realising that his happiness relied on seeing his twin sister happy.
I saw the happy gal again this morning and even as I write this, Im constantly blinking to stop the tears from falling. In away I have been set free from my sadness. I know wherever he is, it would still break is immortal heart to have me feeling this way. I dont promise never to cry again because I miss him dearly. But I have the happy gal to remind me, to count my blessing every single day. Who needs therapy when you have a blog????? Labels: learning to let go, please dont be sad for me |
i know u said not to feel sad for u but man, im pulling out me hankie, me eyes b full